孩子，我聽見了 ─ 青少年篇

蔣吳蘊蘭

老爸老媽，我是典型的「色厲內荏」之徒，別看我一副酷到不行的模樣，其實我最在意的，還是你們！「當青春期兒女碰上更年期父母」，我確實有許多要學的，但你們又何嘗不是呢？

第一，請記得，我的「反叛期」其實是我的「自我定位期」。我在學習表達我的感受和想法，而不是在唱反調。別忘了，再過幾年我就要獨立生活、面對世界了。

第二，請對我有耐心，用恩慈來鼓勵和管教我。我不要你整天陪著我，但還是期盼你能用更多時間來了解我。

第三，信任我。那是愛的主要能量。我需要你的憐憫、接納、尊重和同理心。你一步步地放心和放手，對我十分重要。

第四，請別對我生氣太久，也不要過份限制我的自由。你有你的工作、娛樂、朋友，而你是我唯一的爸爸(媽媽)。

第五，請你常對我說話(但不是說教)，並且傾聽，縱使有時我不懂你而你也不懂我，但我會感覺到你還是願意花時間陪伴我、了解我、接納我、坦誠開解我的疑惑，花時間談敏感的話題。

第六， 你如何對待我、為我禱告，我將永記在心。

第七，你若想開口罵我，甚至動手打我時，請記得，我已有足夠的能力報復，只是看我選擇怎麼做。

第八，當你想責罵我不聽話、不合作、固執或懶惰時，請你想想，是否有什麼事正困擾著我。或許來自同儕的壓力、或許我缺乏肯定、接納、鼓勵和關愛，或者為了功課及課外活動我已經很久沒有休閒，或者我的心已在成長的折騰及懼怕中變得僵硬。當然，有時只是我不懂得表達或荷爾蒙作崇！

第九，在我犯錯時請好好了解我、接納我、支持我，不要嫌棄我，因為你也曾失敗過。請不要否認你自己的過錯。你言行合一、勇於改變，就是我最好的榜樣。

第十，當我要捱過「小孩變大人」最辛苦的歷程、面對人生中最難承受的挫折時，只要有你的愛和我在一起，所有「青春期風暴」中的掙扎都會變得容易面對。請永遠不要忘記，我愛你，而你也曾許諾，一輩子愛我。

蔣吳蘊蘭女士持有加州婚姻家庭治療師執照，是ParentingABC.com創辦人。

(本文原載2012年4月“Family Keepers” 雜誌，蒙允轉載)

“Mom and Dad, Please Listen to Me!”

                                                                                                                    Winnis Chiang

Hey Mom and Dad,

I hate to admit, but you may call me a person with “a fierce demeanor but faint of heart.” Sure, I’d like to be cool, but I do care about you! As a teenager whose parents are going through midlife crisis, I have a lot to learn, but so do you!

1. Please remember this period of my “rebellion” is my time of searching for identity. I am learning to express my feelings and thoughts, not trying to sing a different tune. Don’t forget that I have to live independently and face the world by myself in a few years.
2. Whether you intend to encourage or discipline me, please be patient and treat me with kindness. I don’t need you to stay with me all the time, but I still hope that you would spend more time to understand me.
3. Trust me! By doing so, you empower me with love because I need your compassion, acceptance, respect and empathy. I need to know that as I grow, you are more at ease with me and are willing to let go.
4. Please don’t be angry with me for too long and don’t limit my freedom too much. You have your jobs, your hobbies, and your friends, but you are the only dad (or mom) I have.
5. Please talk with me without lecturing me, and listen to me with full attention. Even when we don’t understand each other, I will still feel your willingness to spend time to understand me, accept me, honestly address my doubts, and talk about sensitive subjects with me.
6. I will forever remember how you treat me and pray for me.
7. Before you curse or even hit me, please remember that I have enough strength to revenge even though I may choose not to.
8. Before you scold me and call me disobedient, uncooperative, stubborn, or lazy, please try to figure out whether something else is bothering me. I could be all stressed out due to peer pressure! May be I am not receiving the affirmation, acceptance, encouragement and care I need. I could be too tired, haven’t taken any break for quite some time due to homework and extra curriculum activities. My heart could have grown stiff because of growing pains and fears. Of course, sometimes I don’t know how to express myself or am affected by hormonal change.
9. Instead of rejecting me when I make mistakes, please understand, accept, and support me. Haven’t you experienced failures too? Please don’t deny your mistakes and failures. Your integrity and courage to change are my best examples.
10. As I am struggling through this difficult process of becoming an adult, I have to face setbacks and defeats. Your love for me will make it easier for me to face these teenage storms. Don’t ever forget that I love you, and that you have promised to love me all your life.

Winnis Chiang, LMFT and Founder of ParentingABC.com, specializes in helping Mandarin- and Cantonese-speaking high-tech Christian parents to get along with, enjoy, influence and equip their American-born Chinese children.

This article was originally published in April 2012 issue of “Family Keepers” magazine on the subject from a teenager’s perspective.